If you’ve been married for a while, don’t give up hope! Just keep in mind that it may take a little extra patience on your behalf. Your in-laws are already used to doing things a certain way and may be resistant to change. [3] X Research source It’s best if you speak up as soon as you notice a potential problem, like the first time your mother-in-law comments on what your child is eating or tries to take over in your kitchen. Pretending it’s not a problem will make it harder to address later on.
Also, use “I” statements and avoid criticizing your in-laws—your partner might get defensive if they feel like you’re attacking their parents. Say something like, “Do you have a minute to talk? I feel uncomfortable with the way your mom just drops by any time she wants, and I was hoping we could convince her to at least call first. " Chances are, this won’t be a one-time conversation. You may need to re-address the subject as the situation evolves or your needs change. [6] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
You might say something like, “I love the relationship between your mom and our kids, but I do need her to stop making comments about the fact that we’re not raising them in her church. They can decide that for themselves when they’re older. " Or, you might say, “It’s really stressful when your parents decide spur-of-the-moment that they’re coming to stay at our house for the weekend. They need to start staying in a hotel. If money is an issue, we can pay for their room. "
Try saying something like, “I feel embarrassed when your dad says you should have married your ex-boyfriend. I know he just wants the best for you, but I really need you to stand up for me next time that happens. “[9] X Research source If your spouse isn’t willing to intervene with their parents on your behalf, spend some time reflecting on the reason why. Are they typically supportive of you, or is this an ongoing pattern? Could they see your request as unreasonable? Are they reluctant to create friction with their parents? Understanding this will help you know how to proceed.
Ideally, your partner should handle this conversation. Either way, it’s best if you’re both there when it takes place. Your partner could say something like, “Mom, I love you and we are happy to have you in our lives. If you keep speaking badly about Stacy’s mom, though, we’re not going to spend as much time around you. " Or, they might say, “We love seeing you when you come to town, but we’re going to pay for you to stay in a hotel from now on. It’s just too crowded and stressful with everyone in our home. “[12] X Research source If your issue is that your in-laws overstay their welcome, you might say, “We need to start limiting our visits to a certain time-frame so we can keep any other plans that we may have had. “[13] X Research source
Say something like, “Last week, Sasha and I had plans after dinner with you, but you stayed until nearly 10:00 and we had to cancel. " Or you could say, “The last time you watched the kids, I asked you not to let them watch anything scary, but they told me you showed them Halloween. I can’t let you keep them if you don’t respect my rules. "
You might want to alternate spending the holidays with your parents one year and your in-laws the next, but it might be important to your spouse to spend Christmas Eve with his family each year. To keep the peace, you might designate Christmas Day for your parents and alternate the rest of the holidays.
Try not to take it personally, even if they’re directing rude comments toward you specifically. Chances are, they just pictured a certain life for their child and are resistant to the idea that they are making their own path. [18] X Research source If they’re trying to provoke you, don’t give them the emotional reaction they’re looking for. Eventually, they’ll probably give up if you can stay calm or even pleasant. [19] X Expert Source Cameron Gibson, R. C. C. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director Expert Interview. 10 February 2021. When you’re upset, take long, deep breaths and ground yourself by getting in touch with your physical senses. If you need to, go to another room or take a walk until you feel better. [20] X Research source ht tps://www. gottman. com/blog/conversational-boundaries-without-stonewalling/
Ask yourself why they might feel like they need to overstep your boundaries—maybe they’re having a hard time letting their baby go, or maybe they feel like you don’t respect their parenting choices because yours are so different. Do you have any expectations of your in-laws that may be impacting how you see them? If your mother-in-law isn’t especially warm, you might not have the type of bond with her that you imagined. Try to focus on her other good qualities, instead. [23] X Research source Look for what you have in common with your in-laws, rather than how you’re different.
It’s best to let it go if the consequences of giving in are minor—like letting your child stay up an extra 30 minutes or agreeing to serve Aunt Martha’s pumpkin pie instead of your mom’s recipe at Thanksgiving. Try deflecting minor problems by saying something like, “That’s an interesting idea, thank you,” or “I’ll think about that. " If the impacts are more far-reaching, like your in-laws show up at your house without being invited or undermine your parenting, that’s when it’s time to set healthy boundaries. [25] X Research source
Try saying something like, “Jim, we’ve talked about those types of comments. They make everyone uncomfortable. If you can’t stop, we’ll have to ask you to enjoy your meal in another room. " Or, you might say, “May, I know you love to cook, but I’m going to take the lead for this meal. If you’d like to help, I’d love it if you could make the salad for us. I’ll show you where everything is. " If one of your in-laws is being really disrespectful toward you, it’s okay to say something like, “I’m trying my best to keep things cordial, but if you continue to talk to me that way, I’m going to ask you to leave. "
If your in-laws watch your children several times a week, for instance, they may develop strong ideas about your parenting style. If you borrow money from them, your in-laws might become critical of how you spend your money.
Instead, embrace the fact that your spouse loves their parents, and encourage them to maintain a close relationship. If you’re having conflict with your in-laws, make a special effort to be kind and patient with your spouse. Otherwise, they may feel like you’re blaming them for the problem.
